Reflection

I have spent the last few weeks really thinking about this past year.  Tomorrow my tiny little miracles turn 1! Tomorrow marks one of the scariest and worst days in my life.  As I look back I can remember everything like it was yesterday.  I remember calling Jake and telling him to come home from work just after he walked in the doors for the morning.  I remember crying in the car on the way to the hospital.  I remember sobbing as I put on my gown crying saying "They can't come! It's too early!!" I remember the nurse looking at me with compassion and saying "we are going to do everything we can to keep them from coming." I remember the doctor coming and saying "they are coming and you need an emergency C-section right now.  It's going to get busy in here and a lot of people are going to be in and out preparing you for this.  We are going to move as quickly as we can." I remember looking at Jake who had as much fear and sadness in his eyes as I was expressing through sobs.  I remember saying to him "I can't do this again." I remember Jake's phone ringing in the midst of everything and Jake hanging up frustrated b/c family members were calling to complain that Jake made a post on Facebook, a plea for prayers instead of calling them and telling them.  I remember being wheeled down the hall and them beginning without Jake there.  I remember him coming in.  I remember the hours of dizziness and nausea that followed.  (Those hours I wish I could forget but I guess they are part of the story) I remember Jake excitedly saying "honey look! you can see one of the babies, look over there! He's breathing, they are working on him." I remember the EMT's wheeling the babies in my recovery room so I could look at them just once before they were transported to another hospital.  I remember I sent them away b/c I couldn't stop vomiting long enough to see them.  I remember my pastor and two friends who also worked at the church coming to visit us.  I remember vomiting the entire time they were there and apologizing  because I couldn't make it stop.  I remember a nurse coming in at hour 9 and telling me they have never seen anyone throw up this much and are very concerned about me.  I remember an injection in my thigh that made it all stop.  I remember making Jake go to Fairfax Hospital to visit the twins on that first night.  How torn he must have felt, wanting to be with me and wanting to visit our little babies.  I remember the visitors and the phone calls.  I remember it all.
As I look past that terrifying day, I can recall the long tough days at the NICU.  Wanting to hold them, but knowing their tiny little bodies just couldn't handle that.  Everyday as we change and bathe Logan and see his scars, I remember that the leads would burn his little sensitive skin because he still needed so much more time in my belly to toughen that skin up.  I look at Dylan and praise God that he is still alive and with us.  Recalling that his kidney's shut down due to the formula they gave him.  I think about how I chose to have my thyroid removed due to cancer just a week after I had recovered from the c-section.  Looking back, I think that is one of the best decisions Jake and I made.  Knowing the twins were in safe and good hands still in the NICU, allowing me time to recover at home and call in for updates.  I remember bringing my precious babies home just before Christmas, when they were actually due.
I have taken these last few weeks to look back and to thank God for all He did for us this past year.  As I sit here typing, fighting back the tears, knowing that my God is bigger than anything! Knowing that He has a plan.  Notice, I say as I look back.  I also remember the days and nights I spent sobbing, cursing God.  Asking him what I did wrong and why he hated me so much.  Why he gave me such intense struggles.  Why did he ever think I could handle these things.  Why did he allow so much to go wrong in one short year.  Now, as I sit here on the end of that very long year I can see so much of his hand, his glory, his might, his miraculous hand.  I can see his love and his provision.
This year has been a year full of intense struggles and immense blessings.  We have seen the love of God through so many people. Through meals, childcare, hugs, phone calls, notes, visits... it goes on and on.  He does love us and he is there for us.  I am often blinded by pain and sadness.  Let's face it, I am no Job.  I feel like I have so much more to share but I think the reflection of this one day is more than enough.  Happy birthday to Logan and Dylan.  My 26 week little miracles who today are thriving!