Brick wall

Most of you are not parents of NICU babies but for those who are, perhaps you can relate.  There comes a time in the NICU where you tend to hit a wall.  The boys will be 1 month and that seems to be the time I hit the brick wall.  I did the same thing right around the same time with JT.  The exhaustion from taking care of the boys at home.  The mental exhaustion of feeling like you aren't doing enough, are doing it good enough, aren't there for all of your children.  The physical exhaustion of driving 45 min to the NICU, trying to spend time with each boy, driving home... feeling like your day is a wash...It's exhausting (in case you didn't get that already) It's a great place for Satan to lay and wait, and that's just what he did.  Yesterday was filled with me being annoyed, angry, frustrated, in physical pain and yes exhaustion.  I didn't realize it until the evening but it was there all day, building up, like I was reaving my engine just to smash full speed into a brick wall, and I did.  I sat, crying, sobbing really, asking God to change me, to change my heart.  God has challenged us more than others (don't get me wrong, I know everyone has struggles and challenges, this is just how I feel about it).  But God has also blessed us more than others too.  Yesterday I could have complained about the beautiful sky and felt justified.  I don't know why we have to face what we face.  A child with special needs, cancer, 3 NICU babies, financial struggles, and so on.  I do know that God has given us an amazing church family who answers every call in loving us.  I do know that God kept us from moving out of the area because He knew what was ahead and he loves us and cares for us and wanted to keep us in a place where we would be loved and cared for.  I know that God blessed us with this house to help with our financial struggles (although no cancer and no premies would have also helped with finances.  tee hee).  It's funny, I know all these things but still last night that brick wall was there and when you pile it all on, it's a load too big to carry, even for me, the strongest woman in America! The point is, as hard as I try, as much as I do, it will never be enough to carry the load I have been given.  The best part is, when we turn to God in our brokenness, he doesn't stand over us as a frustrated father saying "I told you so, why don't you listen to me...." He leans over, picks up his overly tired child and hold me.  He wipes my tears away and says "let me love you, let me carry you, let me take you the rest of the way".  Now, being a stubborn person I am sure there are times I will feel energized and leap out of his arms saying "I've got this now, thanks!" but I hope and I pray that I allow God and those he has placed around me to carry me the distance I cannot go alone.
My friend told me last night I am running a marathon and doing a great job.  I have never run a marathon but I have walked one (avon walk for breast cancer).  Those people on the sidelines cheering you on, telling you can do it are rejuvenating.  They serve more of a purpose than they know.  They keep you going, they keep you fighting.  God has my marathon lined, packed really with people cheering me on.  They can't step in and take my place, that isn't there purpose.  They can stand there and love me, encourage me, and cheer me through the finish line.  It's such a gift.

Now, if you are still reading I am sure you want to know about the boys.  So here ya go!
Logan has an eye infection which has placed both boys on isolated contact.  This means we have to wear gowns, wash a few extra hundred times... really not much different than before, just added garb. I got to hold Logan last night and he did a fantastic job!  He was sucking on his binki like a champ which is a fabulous sign of development.  It brought me such great joy to see him, hold him and watch him suck the life out of that binki.
Dylan is doing well.  I think many of you heart the incredible news that his PDA is getting smaller! The doctors are going to keep a close eye on him but I am prayerful it will close soon.  Please pray for his bone development.  The drugs they give him (he's still on them) to help close the PDA block calcium and potassium from being absorbed.  The doctors want to try to switch his medication soon so that his body can get those nutrients.  Please also pray for his strength.  Overall he is doing well but he is still on a very high CPAP.  His O2 levels are stable but the CPAP is high.  Please pray that in the next few weeks both boys can be weened more off of CPAP.  They both continue to eat, eat eat! They are gaining weight and are able to handle their food well.
Please pray for my time management.  This week is insane as I have all of my pre-surgical appointments and still want to try to get to the NICU as often as I can.  Pray for wisdom as we discuss moving the boys to a closer hospital.  They are at the best NICU there is so moving them is a tough decision.  Pray for both Jake and my exhaustion levels.  Pray for endurance to finish the race.  Pray for guidance, supernatural strength, energy and love for our children.
God is good and brick walls need to be run into ever so often.  I would like it if my next one was a while off but who knows.  Pray I have learned and that I lean and rely more on God than on myself.